Lost in translation
by brattyteenagewerewolf
Summary: In which Arthur realizes that Alfred's version of English is nowhere near as bad as one of his other colonies. Some things just don't translate well.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: this one has been floating around in my head for a while now purely because of how funny some of the Australian slang is. I use a lot of it myself simply because I got used to it (e.g. Maccas, pissed, mongrel, ratbag, wuss, sook, bastard as an endearment (Lovino would get along with Australia in that regard…) etc.) but some still make me crack up, like being told to just put my thongs on if I'm going out. I imagine that Arthur would have a fit over strine seeing as the American's have NOTHING on the Australian desecration of English and since Australia day is coming up I couldn't resist!**

**Not all Australians use this amount of slang (stating the obvious) but it does tend to litter most conversations, especially in the rural areas.**

**I'll add a bit at the bottom as to what the hell Australia is saying. Pairings if you squint: AusNZ, PruCan and FrUk.**

_Buying bread form a man in Brussels_

_He was six foot four and full of muscles_

_I said "do you speak my language?"_

_He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich_

_And he said_

"_I come from a land down under_

_Where beer does flow and men chunder_

_Can't you hear, can't you hear that thunder?_

_You better run, you better take cover"_

_Down under- Men at Work_

Arthur sighed as he sat down opposite Jett, the Australian already gesturing expressively as he spoke. Both had a half empty glass of alcohol in front of them although the brunettes' was at risk of spilling due to his gestures.

"I mean it ya Pommy bastard, ya should have come along! We had a real ace of a time! Even if Al and Mattie whinged the whole time." He grinned. "Sure, it was as dry as a dead dingo's donger and we weren't within cooee of any of the big smokes for a good part of it but it was grouse all the same!"

Arthur nodded, he didn't have a clue what he was going on about and was barely paying attention. "Sounds like it was fun Jett…"

"Me and Kiwi-"

"Kiwi and I." Arthur corrected. The Australian was even worse than Alfred when it came to butchering the English language.

Jett ignored him, waving his hand dismissively before continuing. "Anyway, me and Kiwi even taught them how to play aerial Ping-Pong and I tell ya, Mattie may be a real sook most of the time but holy Dooley he can lair it up when he plays footy. Al practically spat the dummy when he lost and I mean it, he was spewin'."

"Yes, he can get really into his sport. And I wish you wouldn't call it football… you're as bad as Alfred like that."

"Ya just need to give it a fair go mate, it's far better than soccer and rugby!"

"I think I'll pass thank you."

Jett shrugged, downing the rest of his drink and slamming the glass back down with a grin. "Now where was I… oh yeah, we also went down to Sydney for a bit to try and teach Mattie to surf. It took him a while to actually give it a burl but he was alright for a shark biscuit. Maybe that would be more your thing hey?"

He didn't wait for Arthur to answer, grabbing another beer and continuing as the Englishman bit back a groan. "Also took them out to the GAFA for a bit, strewth that was funny! They wouldn't stop with the Aussie salute while we were on the station, always complaining about the dunny budgies. Both of them would have made ripper jackaroos though don't ya reckon? They're both as fit as Mallee bulls and built like brick shit houses even if Al has a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock. He's a real larrikin even if he's a bit of a mug! And Mattie's a real dag at times, especially when he's been in the plonk."

Arthur wasn't even listening anymore. He couldn't believe the Aussie was actually speaking English…

"They both wanted to do nothing but veg out after I tried to make duffers out of them. I go pack a few stubbies and some muddies and yabbies in an esky for the barbie thinking we can have some nice tucker and the only one who stuck around was the sheepshagger! So I'm thinking, well Jett, she'll be right, we'll just hit the turps and maybe pash for a bit or even have a naughty when, I'll be stoked, Kiwi decides to be a real mongrel and leaves me to drink with the flies!"

"Is that so?"

"Too right! Kiwi is as useful as tits on a bull sometimes…"

"I'm sure James had his reasons…"

"His way of apologising was to get me a budgie smuggler. Do I look like the sort of bloke to wear one of those? He knows I can't stand them… and I didn't have any other cozzies on me so we had to stop so I could get me a new bather before taking the tinny out for the arvo. We got a whole pile of things for everyone as well though so it wasn't a total waste; Mattie even got a few longnecks for Gilbert so I'll probably see him some time. It was a real beaut of a time. You should have seen Al's face though at all the white pointers! He had on these scarlet thongs and I swear he was a darker red then they were!"

Arthur immediately choked on his drink, Jett having to strike his back a few times before he could actually breathe. "Easy there mate! You're not turning into a screamer on me are you?"

"I most certainly am not!" the British man spluttered, going scarlet. He stood, startling the Australian he was drinking wish. "Listen here Jett; if you can't be civil I will wash your mouth out with soap no matter how old you are! And if I hear that you've been forcing Alfred into thongs again…" he threatened. The former colony was frowning now, appearing slightly confused.

"Relax mate, no need for us to have a blue! You're sounding as cross as a frog in a sock. It was Al's choice to wear the thongs anyway… maybe you need a vacation. Tell ya what, come out and see me and Kiwi down in the lucky country sometime! Bring that root rat and ankle biter of yours, Al and Mattie as well and we can have a corker of a time with all the rellies! Maybe we can get you to stop being such a wowser and teach ya some strine, and get Francis to stop being such a figjam, what do ya reckon?"

Arthur hated to admit it but he was starting to miss Alfred's version of English… he needed a dictionary.

**A/N2: that was all ridgy-didge strine :) now for some translations cause I know that most of you will be thinking "what the fuck is Australia going on about and why was Alfred in a thong?!"**

**Pommy bastard- Englishman (actually a term of endearment…)**

**Ace- awesome**

**Whinged- complained**

**Dry as a dead dingo's donger- dry as a dead dingo's penis AKA dry (another way to say it is "as dry as a nun's nasty")**

**Weren't within cooee- nowhere near**

**Big smokes- big cities**

**Grouse- great time**

**Aerial Ping-Pong/ footy- Aussie rules football**

**Sook- tame, bit of a wuss**

**Holy Dooley- exclamation**

**Lair it up- behave in a brash manner**

**Spat the dummy- get upset**

**Spewin'- angry**

**Fair go- give it a chance**

**Give it a burl- give it a chance**

**Shark biscuit- someone new to surfing**

**GAFA- Great Australian Fuck All AKA the outback**

**Strewth- exclamation**

**Aussie salute- brushing the flies away when they get in your face**

**Station- large farm, usually for cattle. The largest farm in Australia and the world is the size of Belgium.**

**Dunny budgies- blowflies (a dunny's an outdoor toilet)**

**Ripper- awesome**

**Jackaroos- cattle station hands, bit like cowboys**

**As fit as Mallee bulls- Mallee is a very arid area of Australia thus the cattle there are extremely tough**

**Built like brick shit houses- strong**

**A few kangaroos loose in the top paddock- not all there**

**Larrikin- guy who likes to have a good time, bit of a prankster**

**Mug- friendly insult for someone who's gullible**

**Dag- funny guy, bit of a geek or nerd**

**Plonk- cheap alcohol**

**Veg out- watch TV**

**Duffers- cattle rustlers **

**Stubbies- cans of beer**

**Muddies and yabbies- mud crabs and freshwater crayfish**

**Esky- cooler box**

**Barbie- barbeque**

**Tucker- food**

**Sheepshagger- a New Zealander**

**She'll be right- it'll be okay**

**Hit the turps- go on a drinking binge**

**Pash- make out**

**Have a naughty- have sex**

**I'll be stoked- exclamation of surprise**

**Mongrel- despicable person**

**To drink with the flies- to drink alone**

**Useful as tits on a bull- useless**

**Budgie smuggler- speedo**

**Cozzies/ bather- swimming costume**

**Tinny- small tin boat**

**Arvo- afternoon**

**Longnecks- 750ml beers (not making that up mates, they exist)**

**Beaut- nice**

**White pointers- female topless tanners (you see them everywhere in Oz)**

**Thongs- flip flops**

**Screamer- someone can't hold their alcohol (also someone who likes to party depending on the situation)**

**Have a blue- have a fight**

**As cross as a frog in a sock- sounding angry**

**Lucky country- Australia**

**Root rat- someone who chases after sex, root is pretty much a euphemism for fuck down here. (Refers to Francis)**

**Ankle biter- young kid (refers to Peter)**

**Corker- awesome**

**Rellies- relatives**

**Wowser- prude, puritan, straight laced**

**Strine- Australian slang and pronunciations**

**Figjam- someone who thinks highly of themselves (stands for 'Fuck I'm Good, Just Ask Me')**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I couldn't leave it alone :)**

**Important note for this chapter: Australians pronounce the double O in words like 'maroon' and 'macaroon' (type of biscuit thing) like its spelt 'own' so instead of maroon it'll be mar-own. Kangaroo and practically every other word with a double O is pronounced normally unless it's of aboriginal origin like 'Cooroy' which is pronounced 'Cah-roy'. I still fail to see the logic with exception to native words…**

**They also pronounce the letter H when it stands alone as hay-tch instead of a-tch like most of the world. I tend to speak very proper (strange for a South African since we can and do collapse "hi, how are you?" into a single word) so it always bugs me and I suspect Arthur would feel the same.**

_I come to Australia_

_As many people do_

_To see the old koala_

_And to ride on a kangaroo_

_To hear someone call me mate_

_And call somebody blue_

_To hear an aborigine_

_Play a didgeridoo_

_Sing Australia- John Denver_

"Say Artie? Do ya have any of those macaroons at all?" Jett asked, taking care to avoid the scones that Arthur had put down. After much protest the Englishman had given in to the Australian's insistent requests to bring everyone down under for a bit and as such they were all sprawled out on a picnic blanket on one of the brunette's numerous beaches with the exception to James and Peter who had already eaten and were now playing around in the waves. It was more to keep the young boy out of their hair than anything else and James just drew the shortest straw.

He couldn't remember the name of the beach other than that it had a weird name. Hell, he couldn't even remember the name of the nearest town! The best he could do was remember that he was in the state of Queensland which hardly narrowed things down.

Arthur's eye twitched at the Australian's request but he deigned to comment apart from a sigh as he grabbed the packet of biscuits (everyone had refused to allow him to bring homemade versions) and set it on the blanket beside the untouched scones. So far his scones were the only thing going untouched seeing as most people had already claimed the burgers, hot dogs and shrimp that Jett and Alfred had cooked up along with the pancakes and pastries that Francis and Matthew had brought along.

"You better be finishing that before you go for dessert…" he scolded, glancing at the uneaten hot dog on the Aussie's plate. Jett merely rolled his eyes at the comment.

"Course mate, pass the dead horse would you?"

Arthur's eye twitched again, he was going to develop a nervous tick if he didn't watch himself. "Dead horse? You haven't been smoking Matthew's cigarettes again have you?" he asked. After all, if the Australian was seeing dead horses and, more importantly, asking for them he had to be high.

He didn't really notice Matthew's quiet protests of them being for medicinal purposes as Jett laughed. "Nah mate, I haven't had any mull in weeks. Not really my thing."

"Did James hit you too hard this time then?"

"Kiwi? Nah, he's a sook. Can I have the dead horse now?"

Arthur was still looking at him blankly until Jett sighed. "The dead horse? Ketchup? Tomato sauce?"

"Blimey lad, just say it straight next time…" the Englishman complained to a round of laughter as he handed the bottle of sauce over to the Australian.

Jett was smiling, "I'm trying Artie, not my fault you're clueless."

Arthur just sighed; it was turning out to be a very long evening. His mood didn't seem to be picked up on by the rest of the group as they all started talking exuberantly however, Jett having a loud conversation with Alfred as he gulped down his hot dog and grabbed several macaroons.

"Man, these things are good! Haven't had macaroons for ages!"

Arthur's eye twitched yet again. "Jett?"

The Australian blinked. "Yeah mate?" he asked, confused by the interruption.

The Englishman held up the footy that Jett and Alfred had been kicking around earlier. "Pray tell me, what colour is this?"

"…maroon?" the brunette was really confused at this point, gazing between the red-brown ball inscribed with the 'Queensland Cane Toads' and his former care taker.

"And your national animal?"

"…the kangaroo?"

"What's the bloody difference?! They both have a double 'o' for Christ's sake! Don't you speak English?"

Alfred laughed, clapping the Australian on the back. "Dude, you're in real S H now!"

"When am I not in S H, mate?"

Arthur sighed, casting a glance towards Francis. "Where did we go wrong?"

The Frenchman just chuckled, patting him on the back. "They're your sons mon cher…"

**A/N: the Queensland cane toads are the Aussie rules footy team for Queensland. Their proper name is 'the maroons' but everyone calls them the cane toads. Their rivals 'the blues' (from new south wales) are known as the cockroaches. I'm not making this up…**

**Queensland is the state in north-eastern Australia that borders the Great Barrier Reef. I chose it since it's a gorgeous part of Australia that I actually know since I live there. As for why Arthur thought the name was weird… well, examples of beach names here Tin Can bay, yorkeys knob, Noosa heads etc. and some town names are Toowoomba, Mooloolaba, Gympie, humpybong etc. there's actually a mount buggery in Victoria and a town called Nowhere Else in Tasmania. nope, still not making this up…**

**Dead horse- apparently it also means tomato sauce in parts of Oz**

**Mull- grass, dope, dagga, marijuana take your pick**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: not about slang this time but rather the Australian national anthem. There are in fact two verses to advance Australia fair but no-one ever bothers to sing the second one which I find weird. If it weren't for me taking choir (bad idea, I can't sing…) back in junior school when I lived in Adelaide I never would have known there were two verses.**

**Themba (pronounced Temba) is South Africa. I named him for a guy I used to work with.**

_Australians all let us rejoice_

_For we are young and free_

_We've golden soil and wealth for toil_

_Our home is girt by sea_

_Our land abounds in nature's gifts_

_A beauty rich and rare_

_In history's page, let every stage_

_Advance Australia fair_

_In joyful strains then let us sing_

_Advance Australia fair_

_Beneath our radiant southern cross_

_We toil with heart and hand_

_To make this commonwealth of ours_

_Renowned throughout the land_

_For those who come from across the sea_

_We've boundless plains to share_

_With courage let us all combine_

_To advance Australia fair_

_Advance Australia fair_

Arthur sighed, looking slightly bored as he stared at the TV. Why he'd allowed Jett to talk him into staying for another week he'd never know. It wasn't as if they had any plans either, unless you counted the Aussie sitting in front of the TV and screaming about the Wallabies (or alternatively cursing the Springboks or All blacks).

It wasn't that he didn't like rugby it was just that he didn't usually bother with the tri-nations seeing as England didn't play in it. At least James who was sitting on Jett's other side had the excuse of New Zealand participating and thus often stayed over to watch the games with him regardless of whether his country was playing in that match.

It appeared that the pair had had a bit of an argument though since instead of supporting the wallabies James had the green and yellow shirt of the springboks on along with the south African flag painted on his cheeks much to Jett's horror. Of course the Australian had countered this by forcing the gold and green colours of the wallabies on the British man next to him. Thankfully the man had managed to escape before he'd had the Australian flag painted on his face but it was just another reason why Arthur was less than thrilled with the situation.

Of course it could have been worse, apparently the last time the tri-nations had been on according to James they'd also invited Themba over to watch. Not an hour into the visit the South African and the Australian were in a fight to rival his own with Francis. What had it been about? The South African had decided to speak only in one of his non-English languages just to piss Jett off. Apparently he'd also brought along a vuvuzela and had made several jokes about the Australian beforehand which didn't help.

So it wasn't as bad as it could have been. He dealt with it the best he could at least, completely blocking out Jett's discussion on why the wallabies were better than the springboks. On the screen the two teams had entered the field and started to line up in order to sing their respective national anthems.

The Aussie immediately fell silent as the opening strains of "advance Australia fair" started playing, sitting up a bit straighter as he listened with pride. Had he drank more than he already had done he probably would be belting out the lyrics with his citizens so Arthur was glad that he'd limited his alcohol intake. The last time Jett had sung he'd startled the demon he called a koala to the extent that the creature scaled the British man's leg and practically mauled him once the animal calmed down.

But he didn't say anything about it though. Each nation's national anthem was exceptionally important to them; to the extent that any nation caught talking during the rendition was liable to get attacked by the nation in question. God knows that Arthur had attacked both Francis and Alfred for commenting on his own.

So you can imagine his surprise when the first verse ended and Jett immediately resumed his conversation with James. He was even more surprised when the South Africans started singing "nkosi sikelel' iAfrica" instead of the Aussie's continuing with their anthem.

"Jett, I think they may have made a mistake with your anthem..." He pointed out as he muted the television. He hoped Themba never found out that he'd done so during his anthem, the laid back South African could be terrifying when he put his mind to it.

"Hmmm?" Jett asked, raising an eyebrow. "What do you mean?" James smirked at the change in conversation, watching Arthur intently.

"Well, don't you have two verses?" Arthur stated. He was sure of the fact.

"Yeah, what of it?"

"They only sang one." The British man explained, wondering when the Aussie would catch on.

"We hardly ever sing the second verse mate." Jett shrugged as Arthur stared in disbelief. The concept of not singing a national anthem in its entirety was inconceivable to him.

"But why the hell not?! It's your national anthem! It's a song about your country! How can you not sing its entirety?!"

James grinned before answering, interrupting the Aussie before he could reply. "Because he can't remember the other half."

Jett glared at him. "Oi! I can remember it! I just don't feel the need to sing two whole verses!"

"Themba's anthem is five verses in five different languages." Arthur pointed out, gesturing towards the muted television where the South Africans were launching into the forth verse.

"Yeah, but Themba's a bloody show off! Who the hell needs eleven official languages? One's enough in my opinion! Just speak English." Jett protested.

"That doesn't explain why you only sing half of your national anthem." The British man murmured. "It can't be that James is right? You do, in fact, know the second half of your anthem, am I correct?"

Jett sighed, rolling his eyes. "Of course I know it bastards! Now unmute the bloody TV, they're about to kick off!"

No-one chose to comment on the fact that he offered no proof of actually knowing it. Personally Arthur was scared that James was correct and Jett didn't actually know the entirety of his national anthem.

**A/N2: it's a common joke amongst South Africans that the reason why Aussies never sing the second verse is because they don't know it. And yes, the South African national anthem is in five different languages. Namely Xhosa, Zulu, Sesotho, Afrikaans and English. And ja, we do have eleven official languages (and countless unofficial). We have a bit of a love-hate relationship with Australia. On one hand we love the country since it's similar to our own. On the other we REALLY like to kick their ass at rugby and get a bit pissed off if we fail. Screw New Zealand, all we care about is the Aussies :) **

**Another thing to note is that Aussies REALLY seem to hate people who don't speak English within the country. Something I as a bilingual South African take full advantage of. I have no qualms about switching to Afrikaans to piss off the natives.**

**In fact, most South Africans seem to enjoy irritating Australians. Mainly because we view them as being rather arrogant bastards on occasion, no offense to anyone, surprisingly despite this we still love the country and thus have a habit of invading to get away from our own country (I lived in a small Queensland town of barely 1000 people. There were TWO other South Africans in town…). I suspect that's where their view of us being corrupt and lazy criminals comes from…**

**This is set during the tri-nations (before they added Argentina to the mix) which is a rugby tournament between Australia, New Zealand and South Africa. New Zealand supporting South Africa is based on my mom who is a kiwi and will always support whoever is playing against the Aussies. She loathes Australia, I'm not sure why… so tri-nations time in our house was always kind of hectic. I (if I bothered to watch which was rare) would be supporting the springboks with my step dad, my sister and gran would be supporting the wallabies and my mom would be shouting for the all blacks.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: because Australian wildlife is deadly :) I'll be doing another one of these :)**

_Take me koala back, Jack_

_Take me koala back_

_He lives somewhere out on the track, Mac_

_So take me koala back_

_Tie me kangaroo down sport- Rolf Harris_

Arthur had seen Jett mess with a multitude of various creatures in his time as the nation's caretaker. In fact he'd seen it so often that he had deigned to visit the country after an incident involving a taipan in his drawer and a kangaroo (the Aussie insisted it was a wallaby) in his bed. Then there was the whole crocodile in the pool which he preferred to forget.

After those sorts of instances he'd chosen to have Jett flown or sailed out to see him in England.

Not that it had always helped. He was constantly killing an assortment of spiders and other undesirable creatures when the Australian visited. He seemed to have a knack for finding potentially dangerous wildlife and making pets of them.

But at least he wasn't bringing orphaned dingoes and Tasmanian tigers into the house when he was in England. Despite this though, there had been a time where he and Matthew had tried to sneak a litter of fox cubs inside... the Aussie and the Canadian had both had a fondness for wildlife and to this day kept a wild animal as a pet. Of course it was just typical that Jett chose the most vicious koala Arthur had ever seen.

Truth be told, when Arthur said that his colonies could have a pet he was expecting a rabbit or at worst a cat or dog. Not a polar bear and a possessed koala. Only Alfred had been sane and chosen a harmless pet…

The brunette was a huge animal lover (even if he felt that the more deadly the animal was the better) to the extent that Arthur had gotten used to the Australian's house resembling a zoo. At this point in time he could see a massive funnel web in a jar ("I found this one in the bathroom! Beauty isn't he?"), an eastern brown snake drooped over the chair furthest from the British man ("aw, she won't bite ya! She's a real sweetheart!") And a kangaroo that was happily nibbling on the couch stuffing ("but the Sheila was hungry, I couldn't just leave her!").

Coupled with a pair of cassowaries, a wild horse and an emu outside, a python in the bedroom, a Tasmanian devil in the bathroom, a dingo on the veranda, more poisonous insects than he could count and a crocodile that had yet to be removed from the pool Arthur was surprised Jett wasn't dead yet. How on earth could a single person have so many deadly animals and survive it without a scratch?

But that had always been what Jett had been like. If it was cute, weird looking and/or deadly he wanted it. He was loathe to kill anything where it wasn't necessary. He wasn't a vegetarian (far from it) but he refused to kill wildlife without good reason, even if it meant living in a potentially hostile environment.

This is what made the current sight so unusual.

Jett was scowling, a cricket bat slung over his shoulders as he bent to pick a rather large, if not slightly flattened, toad up by the hind leg. The whole while he was cursing fluently and creatively as he scoured the yard for more of the amphibians to give them the same treatment with the bat and shove them into a bag.

Arthur would admit that the creatures were rather ugly but otherwise could see no reason why the Australian was so intent on killing them. He had several other creatures who definitely wouldn't win a prize in a beauty contest after all…

Several toads later (one of which almost made Arthur lose his supper since the creature in question kind of exploded) the British man finally brought up the courage to ask the bat wielding Australian what in blazes he was doing.

Jett paused, using the hand that wasn't holding onto a dead toad to wipe his brow. "Killing cane toads?" he offered, raising an eyebrow. He thought it was kind of obvious.

"May I ask why?" Arthur asked, nose wrinkled in distaste as he stared at the dangling amphibian. "And can you please put that thing down while I speak to you!"

The Australian shrugged, dropping the toad in the bag. "I was having a problem with pests a while back and these blasted things were Alfred's solution…" he grumbled murderously.

"I take it, it didn't work?"

"They killed everything but the pests because the sodding things don't jump! Snakes and birds go for them but the fucking bastards are poisonous so it kills all my wildlife. I even lost a dog to them several years back!" Jett complained. "They have no natural predators ya see so the fuckers breed like crazy!"

"And your solution is to whack them with a cricket bat…"

"Yeah, it's good stress relief. Do ya want a go?"

"…I think I'll pass thank you."

Jett shrugged, going back to his toad killing spree. "suit yourself, do me a favour though and tell Alfred that next time he comes up with any idea like this I swear to god I'll set a drop bear on him…"

Arthur would never understand the Australian's thought process…

**A/N2: come to Australia, kill a cane toad! What Jett said about the bastards is true by the way and it's a sort of Aussie past time to kill the sodding things. The idea behind them was that they would kill the pests eating the crops but that back fired since the pests sit at the top of the crops and cane toads don't exactly jump much. They just sit there until you come around with a cricket bat. The exploding thing's happened to my dad twice now. And my own dog tried to take a bite out of a toad when he was younger. He was alright though, my step mom washed his mouth out with coke to wash the poison out and he no longer goes near cane toads.**

**Or coke for that matter. He's a smart puppy (he's part kelpie which happens to be a breed that's small part dingo) and learnt his lesson. **

**Drop bears are massive koalas that sit in the trees and wait for someone to walk beneath them so that they can drop down and maul your brains out. :)**

**And just a comment on a lot of the reviews for the last chapter. Why the heck do so many Aussies hate their national anthem? I don't think it's boring… I actually quite like it.**


End file.
